


Twilight Veils

by BodomBeachTerror



Category: Children of Bodom
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-31 04:49:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6456544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BodomBeachTerror/pseuds/BodomBeachTerror
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexi's drinking has been out of control for a while, but Janne has been taking the brunt of it ever since they began a secret relationship on tour. Their band mates refuse to put up with the behavior from Alexi, but Janne knows it won't stop any time soon unless he gets help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Twilight Veils

**Author's Note:**

> General disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story nor do I know them personally. These are works of fiction. The only other site I post my work on is RockFic under the name AmandaShotgun. Anything else is not me.

The sting of strong liquor sent a fiery sensation down Janne's throat as he finished off another shot, leaning back on the couch to rest his head on Alexi's shoulder.

"Everyone's gone to bed Allu." He whispered, pulling back Alexi's soft hair and gently kissing his ear. The guitarist whined under his breath, tightening his grip on the glass bottle in his hand. "As long as we're quiet, they'll never know." He began to bite his ear, slowly starting to kiss and bite down his neck. Alexi tried to muffle his groans of pleasure as he nearly dropped his drink trying to place it back on the table. Grabbing the front of Janne's shirt, he pulled him into a rough kiss before spinning him around and throwing him down on the couch. Janne's breath caught in his throat from a mixture of pleasure and fear. Last time they had been this drunk and tried to mess around, Janne left the situation with blood and bruises he couldn't explain to his band mates the next morning. Being on the tour bus was a great chance to use the 'I fell out of my bed on a sharp turn' excuse, but they had surely left him with a bottom bunk tonight.

Janne snapped out of his train of thought when he felt teeth graze the skin on his neck. A quiet moan escaped his lips as he let his hips buck up to meet Alexi's. "Allu be careful..." He whispered between muffled grunts as the bites began to get harder. "Allu be gentle!" He warned again, biting his lip from the sharp pain. Finally came a bite that drew blood. He could feel it dripping down his chest and soaking the front of his shirt while Alexi simply licked his lips with a satisfied smirk.

"What the fuck? I told you not to bite that hard!" Janne hissed, pushing Alexi off of him. He felt the swollen spot on his neck before examining the small amount of blood trickling down to his shirt. He wiped his fingers on his pants, the blood blending in with the dark denim to become unnoticeable.

"Why? You like it." Alexi slurred. His eyes had a distant stare that indicated just how drunk he really was.

"I don't like that kind of pain. I've told you that before!"

"Yeah but... I like the way you squirm." Alexi took another drink from the bottle on the table, then reached out for Janne when he began to walk away. "Come on... come back here." He pleaded with slight laughter, clearly not understanding how serious Janne was.

"Fuck off. I'm going to bed. You need to sober up." Janne said, turning again to walk away. He felt a hand grab his arm and looked over to see Alexi struggling to stand as he tugged on his arm.

"I said come back here!" He demanded, squeezing Janne's arm before throwing him much more roughly than before onto the couch. His foot caught the glass bottle on the table, causing it to shatter as it hit the floor. Janne could feel an awful ache in his jaw where his face had hit the arm of the couch rather hard. Alexi began to approach the couch but Janne quickly stood up and grabbed him by his arms.

"You're fucking drunk. You're fucking hurting me. Go to bed!" He almost pleaded, his jaw stinging with every word.

"You're not my fucking mother, dude. Don't tell me what to do." Alexi grumbled, pushing Janne out of his way. Janne shook his head, wishing he could get through to that drunk brain of his. He heard the familiar shuffling of feet and walked quickly to the bathroom. The sound of the bottle breaking seemed to have woken one of his band mates up and he was in no condition to face them right now.

"Fuck." He mused as he looked at himself in the mirror. There was both fresh and dried blood his neck and shirt, not to mention a bruise forming on the side of his face. He spit into the sink as he felt his mouth fill up with saliva and a bit of blood. A cracked piece of tooth came out with it, but he quickly turned the water on to rinse the blood and cracked piece down the drain. He took a couple paper towels and began to wash the blood from his neck. The wound stung with every touch but some cold water seemed to ease the pain for a moment. Once his skin was cleaned up, he took a better look at the bite. It was very clear what it was and there was hardly a way to hide it unless he left his hair down and in his face all day.

He felt a presence behind him and quickly realized he had forgotten to shut the door. He turned to see Henkka giving him a very concerned look. They shared a long stare before Janne sighed and pushed his way out of the bathroom, trying to quickly fix his hair to hide the bite mark.

"If you don't talk to him tomorrow, I will." The bassist said plainly, the corner of his forehead resting in his hand as he leaned against the door frame. Janne stopped in his tracks, freezing up when he tried to respond. He realized he had no words to say. He had no way of explaining this away. He had no excuse for letting this go on for this long. He just assumed everyone was too oblivious to figure out what was going on between him and Alexi, but that wasn't giving his band mates much credit. "We all kept quiet about the relationship because we didn't want to make you guys uncomfortable. I won't keep quiet about what he's doing to you." Janne simply nodded, refusing to turn to look at Henkka. He continued on to bed, falling asleep in his still bloody shirt.

\-------

"Microwave mac and cheese for breakfast? Are you fucking serious?" Janne awoke to the frightening sound of Alexi yelling from the bathroom, then the familiar sound of him puking up all the alcohol he drank last night.

"You're so fucking hungover, you wouldn't even know the difference if I hadn't told you." Henkka called back, sitting three more bowls on the table. Janne shuffled out of bed, grabbing a bowl and sitting down. He poked at the soggy noodles with his fork, not wanting to eat. "You had a bad night, you need to eat something." Henkka said quietly, sitting across from him at the small table. Roope and Jaska were off in the corner discussing the benefits of cooking any type of food with alcohol, but he could still feel the tension in the room. They knew. They all knew.

As soon as Janne began to eat, Alexi walked in. He grabbed the last bowl and sat down on the floor to eat. He stared at it for a moment, debating how well his food would go down right now considering how sick he felt. Janne looked over at him, feeling a bit of sympathy for Alexi's lack of appetite. He turned to his food again, noticing Henkka staring at him. He gestured towards Alexi, promptly causing Janne to quietly sigh and join Alexi on the floor. He wasn't ready to have this conversation.

"Why are you sitting on the floor?"

"I feel like shit." Alexi replied, stabbing his fork into a noodle and shoving it in his mouth. He nearly gagged at the sensation of food in his mouth, but he swallowed hard to get it down anyways.

"I'd imagine you would. You drank the rest of the alcohol last night. We'll have to buy more."

"They'll give us free booze at the show tonight. We'll just take more than we need." There was a long pause before either of them spoke again.

"Do you remember what happened last night?" Janne sighed again, sitting his now almost empty bowl in his lap. It wasn't a question he wanted to ask and he really didn't want to hear the answer either.

"I... yeah. Fuck. I-I'm sorry." Alexi mumbled, his head falling as the guilt washed over him. A few tears began to stream down his face after looking up to see the bruises on Janne's face and the wound on his neck. "I'm so sorry." His voice cracked as he placed his bowl on the floor beside him. He leaned over to hug Janne, placing his head on his chest. "I'm sorry. I love you. I don't want to hurt you." I love you. The one thing Alexi had never said to him in the months that this relationship had been going on before the drinking became a problem. Janne couldn't figure out if his heart wanted to sink or soar as he felt tears soak through his dirty shirt. He put his arm around Alexi, pulling him in closer. "Help me." He barely heard the whisper that was muffled by fabric and skin. Janne glanced briefly at Henkka who seemed to already be preparing to talk to their manager about the issue.

"I'll get you help." Janne whispered back, kissing the top of Alexi's head. "I promise."


	2. Sober

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexi and Janne seem to be getting along better, considering the problem at hand. Janne is still a bit cautious as the relationship grows, knowing Alexi could snap again at any time.

"We have two ways of approaching this." Henkka started, giving Janne a very serious look. "We can take the alcohol away from him now, or we can let this go until the tour is finished and put him in rehab when we get back to Helsinki."

"I don't want to fucking go to rehab!" Alexi's voice was muffled through the window of the tour bus as he stared out at Henkka and Janne, clearly listening in on their conversation. Henkka simply shook his head as Janne turned to respond.

"Will you stop drinking, then? Right now. Put your beer down and play this show sober."

"I can't play sober. I'll fuck it up." He rested his chin on the bottom of the window, pushing his bottom lip out to pout like a child that had just had a piece of candy taken from them.

Janne sighed quietly, putting his head in his hands for a moment before lifting it back up to speak. "Fine. We'll... we'll figure something out when we get back to Finland. We've only got a week left." He reasoned, watching Alexi leave the window and disappear into the tour bus again. No doubt he was after the mini fridge that Roope had restocked less than an hour ago. He turned around, leaning against the side of the bus while looking at Henkka with a mixture of shame and desperation.

"You have to take it away from him tonight. All you're doing is enabling him. He'll just do the same thing before the tour is over."

"What do you want me to do? Let him fuck up the entire last week of this tour?" His voice was frantic, but he managed to calm himself quickly. "Worse, he'll probably refuse to play until he gets a drink. You know him as well as I do. He's stubborn."

"Well..." Henkka chuckled, "Not quite as well as you do." He raised an eyebrow, hoping to lighten the mood a little.

"What's that supposed to-" Janne stopped mid-sentence, blushing wildly and giving an awkward laugh. "It's not like that!" He shook his head, trying to defend himself in his state of embarrassment. "I mean, we've just... we haven't even... I-" He stopped, realizing that Henkka was now laughing so hard he could barely stand up. "I'm... gonna go get another beer." His cheeks were bright red as he hurried towards the tour bus.

"I know you love him." Henkka called, trying to stifle his laughter. "I know you'll help him." Janne nodded, smiling at the words of encouragement. He had been doubting his decisions ever since the first time Alexi had hurt him, wondering if he should have just ended it right then and there.

As he entered the bus, Alexi brushed past him wearing some ungodly looking hat. The guitarist stopped, giving a cheesy grin and pointing to his new accessory. Janne matched the cheesy grin before swiping the hat and placing it on his own head.

"Hey! Give that back!" Alexi exclaimed as he reached for the hat. Janne ducked out of the way before pushing Alexi out of his path and bolting out of the bus. "Motherfucker!" Alexi yelled with a laugh, taking off after him.

Janne could hear his band mates laughing and yelling as he ran by them. Alexi was pretty fast when he wanted to be, considering how fast he was gaining on him. After running a couple laps around the bus, the two still hadn't run out of energy just yet. Janne rounded the front of the bus once more and began running in the opposite direction this time. Alexi soon followed, but came to a very sudden halt when both of his arms were grabbed.

"Run, Janne!" Henkka laughed, watching the keyboardist skid to a stop and turn to see why he was no longer being chased.

"What the fuck is on your head?" Roope yelled, cigarette still hanging from his mouth and holding Alexi's arm with one hand while he gripped his beer in the other. Henkka had a good grip on the other arm, but Alexi began hopping and squirming around which made him hard to hang on to.

"Fuck! Let go!" Alexi laughed in disbelief of what was happening as he watched Janne race by him and back into the bus. The grips on his arms loosened and he took off once more, trailing Janne onto the bus. Once he caught up to Janne, he pinned him against the wall, tearing the hat off of his head.

Janne's eyes clouded over with fear as Alexi held his shoulders against the wall. He was still shaken up from the last event and he didn't know how quickly Alexi could go from playful to unstable at any moment. Alexi saw the frightened look and frowned, looking up apologetically as he searched for words of comfort. "Please don't be afraid of me." He said quietly, still winded from the chase. He let go of Janne's shoulders as they stared at each other for a moment. Seeing that fear broke Alexi's heart enough to never touch alcohol again, but he knew he wasn't that strong. He had to figure out a way to balance out his social drinking and his alcohol-induced rage.

After a few more moments of silence and thought, Alexi couldn't take the tension anymore. He dropped the hat and crashed his lips against Janne's. His fingers found their way into his hair, careful not to hit any bruises along the way. He kept his touch light, not wanting to frighten Janne any more than he already had in the last few days. After the slight shock, Janne slid his hand to the back of Alexi's neck as they both seemed to gasp between kisses from the inability to completely catch their breath. They both finally relaxed enough to lean on each other as hands began to slip away from skin and onto belt buckles and buttons of jeans. As quickly as things began to heat up, they were ripped out of the moment by a familiar and slightly annoyed voice.

"Are you going to unload your shit or are you both playing without instruments tonight?" Henkka said, rolling his eyes. He was the unfortunate one picked to retrieve the two lovers from the bus, considering he was the only one brave enough to walk in on whatever may have come of the chase. Alexi and Janne nearly jumped at the comment, quickly separating as their faces turned bright red. "Just come get your stuff." Henkka couldn't help but be a bit happy that they seemed to be getting along now, but it was still awkward getting used to the relationship and the odd things that went on when they thought nobody was around. He still kept a close eye on the two, feeling an inherent need to protect Janne even thought he was fully capable of taking care of himself.

"Yeah." Janne said, trying to hide his panting as he tried to stabilize his breathing. "We were uh, just about to come out there." He smiled, grabbing Alexi's hand and pulling the still-stunned guitarist along with him. "I forgive you." He whispered, placing the hat back on Alexi's head. "Just please don't do it again."

\------

Sweat was pouring from Alexi's face and arms as he paraded across the stage with his guitar. He always had to be a show-off when it came to playing live, but Janne had to admit it didn't bother him much. The more Alexi ran and jumped around, the sweatier and more attractive he became. He watched those long, slender fingers glide over the strings in perfect rhythm as Alexi swung his hair to the other side of his face and looked back at the keyboardist with a loving smile. Janne met eyes with Alexi for a moment as his fingers slipped off the keys and he nearly missed his intro. Alexi smirked, realizing he was being an awful distraction for Janne. He decided to have a little fun with this idea, jumping onto the platform Janne and his keyboard were placed on. He leaned in to whisper something, letting his hair fall over the side of his face to hide his actions.

"Am I too distracting?" He said quietly, his mouth so close to Janne's ear that he could feel the warmth of his breath. Teeth gently grazed the top of his ear, causing Janne to whimper and close his eyes. When he opened them again, Alexi was already jumping off the platform and racing to the other side of the stage. For a very short moment, Janne had completely forgotten what song they had been playing. He shook his head, looking down at the keyboard and trying to concentrate harder.

When it seemed like Janne had calmed himself down a bit, he looked up again to watch Alexi swing his guitar around his body to end the song. It had always been his favorite trick, ever since he first saw Alexi do it live. The amount of control he had over his instrument was astounding, considering Janne played something entirely stationary and never had a chance to perform potentially damaging stunts. Alexi looked behind him, licking his lips and giving another smirk. He knew exactly what he was doing to Janne and it drove him wild knowing he had that kind of power. Janne bit his lip, losing his concentration as he felt the blood shifting in his body. Hearing himself hit the wrong key rather loudly, he shook his head harder this time, trying to push the dirty thoughts out of his mind. Alexi laughed, deciding it was best to give up the antics and simply rev him back up as soon as they got off stage. He had quite the night planned for the beautiful, sweaty keyboardist, provided the stage crew didn't find them.


	3. The Cycle Repeats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things heat up between Janne and Alexi backstage, but things quickly turn sour when alcohol is involved later on. Alexi finally comes to his senses when he makes a huge mistake, knowing his drinking needs to be managed.

Alexi pulled Janne down the long, winding hallways of the venue's backstage area. Both musicians were drenched in sweat and barely able to keep their hands off of each other long enough to get to a remote area. Alexi noticed a small room with a broken latch on the door and stopped in front of it, looking over at Janne with a wicked look in his eyes. He pushed the side of his body against the door, pulling Janne inside the empty room and trying to leave the door exactly as he had found it to avoid suspicion if someone happened to walk by.

"Can't keep your eyes off me?" Alexi said in a low, almost growling tone as he pressed himself against Janne to keep his back against the wall. Janne whimpered at the sensation of their bodies being so close, biting his lip to keep himself calm enough to speak.

"Not when you look like this." His voice was strained as he felt the blood shifting in his body once more. Their lips met like flames to gasoline as Janne ran his hands down Alexi's wet, tattooed arms. "God, just fuck me." He growled as he closed his eyes and felt small kisses and bites trail down his neck and collarbone.

"I had something a bit different in mind." Alexi breathed, putting his hand over Janne's mouth to muffle his groans for the moment as he tugged off a rather worn black belt. Next the button, then the zipper. He only pulled down enough clothing to get to what he wanted, lest they be found and would need to make a quick escape.

Alexi removed his hand from Janne's mouth, still kissing his neck around the tender spots. He slowly lowered to his knees, letting his fingers carefully trace down Janne's body and across his shaft. "Try to keep quiet." He whispered. As Janne nodded, Alexi began to trace the head with the tip of his tongue, keeping one hand at the base and the other on Janne's leg to keep him steady. He let a few warm breaths tease Janne before wrapping his lips around the head and giving a gentle suck.

Janne let out a small moan, quickly smacking his palm over his mouth to stifle the groans of pleasure escaping from his lips. His free hand tried to grip anything it could, but all he could manage was lightly scratching the wall behind him as he found himself fully inside Alexi's mouth. His hand again started to search for something to occupy it, finally finding the back of Alexi's head and resting there. He subconsciously pushed Alexi's head back and forth as he felt the vibration of a low growl from the guitarist's throat. Another groan of pleasure escaped, barely muffled by his hand this time.

Alexi kept a steady rhythm with the pressure on the back of his head, letting his tongue trace small shapes during every slight pause. He quickened his pace a bit with every sound Janne made, noticing he was getting louder each time. Testing the limits of the situation, he pulled his head away, giving a smirk now that his mouth was free. Without a word or warning, he found his head being shoved forward, gladly taking Janne into his mouth once more. This time he went much faster, feeling the back of his head being gripped harder. The moans of pleasure became more frequent as he gave another low growl. As quickly as this had all started, he felt pulsing against the roof of his mouth and a warm substance slide down his throat. The grip on the back of his head loosened and he threw his head back, swallowing hard and quick like he would with a strong shot of whiskey. He could hear footsteps in the distance and the chatter of the stage crew who had apparently just finished loading the equipment.

"Fuck... I'm sorry. It was just-" Janne started, looking incredibly dazed.

"I take it as a compliment." Alexi cut him off, smiling as he rose to his feet and pulled out a bottle of beer that he stashed in his large pockets earlier. He cracked the top on the handle of the door, knocking the cap off and taking a drink to chase the foreign substance down. "People are coming, we should probably get out of here."

Janne frantically zipped and buttoned his jeans before grabbing his belt and sloppily throwing his belt on. The two hurried out of the room, but still managed to run into the stage crew.

"What are you doing all the way back here?"

"Oh, well Janne's a bit drunk and managed to lose his cell phone. Have you seen it? Small and black... ah, I guess it looks like any ordinary phone." Alexi said, looking around on the floor before bringing his gaze back to the three other men in front of them.

"Can't say we've seen any phones around, we'll keep an eye out. Doubt it would be back here though." One of the men said with a nod. He then gave a strange look when a ringer blared through the empty hallway. Janne quickly reached into his back pocket, pulling out his phone and shutting the ringer off without a second thought.

"You drunken idiot! It was in your pocket!" Alexi exclaimed, grabbing the phone out of Janne's hand. "Look, why don't I hang onto it so you don't forget about it again?" He looked over at the crew that were now shaking their heads and laughing. He pointed down the hallway while still holding the phone. "It's this way, right?"

"Yes. At the end of the hallway, on the left."

"Right, thanks." They hurried down the hallway, looking behind them to see if the crew were out of sight. Alexi handed the phone back to Janne, taking another sip of his beer.

"How'd you come up with that?" Janne asked, his face still looking a bit stunned. Alexi shrugged, chuckling.

"It's happened before. You were actually drunk that time. You probably don't remember." His face twisted up as the aftertaste of the beer hit his tongue. "Beer and cum. Not the best combination."

\------

Roaring laughter in the back of the tour bus began to die down as the night carried on and the party CD began to get boring with every repeat. Soon it became a discussion of how excited everyone was to fly home in the morning, despite how hungover and miserable they would all be on the plane.

"Janne, can you hand me another beer?" Alexi's voice was heavily slurred and his eyes were clouded over. They had let him drink more than they should have.

"You've had enough, Allu. No more tonight." Janne said, giving Alexi a soft kiss on the forehead.

"Come on. Just one more. I'll go to bed after that."

"No, Allu." Janne's voice was more stern this time as he slid his own beer away from Alexi. Their band mates seemed restless as they began to put away the alcohol and try to keep it as far from Alexi's reach as possible.

"I'm not that drunk! Come on! One more!" His voice grew louder as he stood up. Janne stood as well, grabbing his beer and looking Alexi straight in the eyes. Henkka looked over at Jaska and Roope, giving a subtle nod before slowly walking to the other side of the room to stand just behind Janne. The other two remained behind Alexi, ready to step in if something were to happen.

"No!" Janne matched Alexi's volume and tone this time, growing more and more frustrated with every plead. He figured he would have to drag Alexi to bed and hold him there until he passed out, though it wouldn't be the first time he's done it. Alexi reached for Janne's beer, causing Janne to slap his arm away. Without any thought, Alexi reared his fist up, punching Janne straight in the nose.

The beer bottle shattered as Janne staggered backwards and was caught by Henkka. Jaska and Roope quickly grabbed and restrained Alexi, who was staring blankly at his own hand in complete disbelief.

"It's broken." Henkka said quietly, helping Janne to his feet again. Blood was everywhere as Janne held his hands over his face, trying to catch the blood as it poured from his nose. He pushed Henkka's hand away, quickly making his way to the bathroom to clean himself up.

"You proud of yourself? You broke his fucking nose! For a beer!" Henkka yelled, unable to contain himself. He knew this situation had the potential to get dangerous, but he didn't think it would escalate this quick.

"Fuck!" Alexi exclaimed as he knees gave out and he was released, falling onto the couch. He continued to stare at his hand as tears flowed down his face. "Janne! I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry!" His voice cracked and faded as he broke down in tears. It was like he didn't know what he was doing until he had already done it. He couldn't control himself because his brain couldn't catch up to his body fast enough, it seemed.

Janne heard Alexi's cries as he continued cleaning the blood from his face that seemed to just appear again as quickly as he could clean it off. The bleeding wouldn't stop until it could be bandaged up, but luckily it didn't seem to be too badly broken. He hated the way he always put a positive spin on situations like this, but it was the only way he knew how to deal with it without getting angry. He didn't want to add to the problem with more anger.

"I know you're sorry!" Janne called back, putting his face in his hands. He was going to forgive him again, he knew it. He could feel it in his chest, that crushing sensation. He began to sob into his bloody hands, trying to muffle the sharp gasps to catch his breath, though he knew everyone could hear him.

Alexi heard the familiar gasps and felt like his whole body was being beaten with a bat. His stomach churned as he began to feel sick and dizzy. He looked up for a moment, his eyes red and puffy and rolling into the back of his head. His body went limp and began to fall forward. Jaska caught him before he hit the ground, holding him there for a moment while they cleared the couch and placed him on his back. He was out cold for the night, and it was probably for the best.

Henkka helped the rather helpless Janne make a temporary bandage for his nose out of paper towels and some medical tape that had been sitting in the bathroom for months.

"I'll stay with him." Janne said calmly.

"What if he wakes up angry and hits you again?"

"He won't."

"How do you know?"

"I just know." Janne insisted, standing up and walking back into the room. Henkka wasn't going to bother arguing at this point. It was a vicious cycle that they both had to break on their own.

Janne sat on the couch by Alexi's head, running his hand over his dirty hair. He moved a few strands that were stuck to Alexi's face with sweat before resting his arm at his side again. He sat awake the entire night, looking over every few minutes to make sure the guitarist was still breathing correctly.


	4. Nothing is Impossible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexi and Janne muse for a bit about the previous night, realizing the problem is getting worse. Janne feels that it's up to him to fix Alexi, no matter what the cost.

Janne's head turned when he felt Alexi move. It was only another hour to the airport and he hoped Alexi would stay asleep until they got there. He knew he'd be more comfortable if he slept through the flight, otherwise he would just be miserable from the hangover. Alexi's eyes fluttered open for a moment as he shifted his head to observe his surroundings. He was still on the couch, but he wasn't alone.

"Go back to sleep, Allu. We're almost to the airport." Janne said quietly, stroking Alexi's hair to keep him calm. As he lifted his hand, Alexi shot up and immediately leaned over the trash can, puking up the large amounts of alcohol he had consumed. Janne simply held his hair back with one hand, leaving the other on his own stinging nose. Alexi still seemed very dazed once he recovered from the short episode and laid his head on the couch again.

"Please don't send me to rehab." He croaked as he tried to get his vision to come back into focus.

"Nobody's sending you to rehab. You're coming to live with me, remember? I'll make sure you get better." Janne replied with a small smile. He continued to hold the home-made bandage over his nose despite the fact that the medical tape had come loose, due to the crying he had done while Alexi was still passed out.

"I know but... I had this awful nightmare and-" He looked up at Janne, unable to finish the thought. He stared for a few minutes before sitting up and reaching for Janne's face. He gently ran his fingers down Janne's cheek, feeling him cringe at the touch. "Fuck, it was real. I broke your fucking nose."

"For a beer." Janne seemed to smile at the thought. "Isn't it funny? The beer got dropped and spilled anyways." It wasn't funny. He knew none of the events of last night were amusing, but he couldn't be mad at Alexi.

"No... fuck, Janne. It's not funny!" Alexi blurted out, his eyes filled with disbelief. "I mean, me hurting you. It's... it's not funny! It's not okay!" He shook his head, biting his lip to keep from crying. "Why would you sit by me all night after what I did?" There was a long pause before Janne answered him.

"Because I love you, Allu."

"All I do is treat you like shit, drink too much, and hurt you. You should hate me!" Alexi held Janne's shoulders as he looked him dead in the eyes. "There's no reason you should love me." Janne stared at him for a very long time, unsure of how to respond. Alexi wasn't exactly wrong, but the words made his stomach twist into a knot. He couldn't imagine not loving Alexi as much as he did now. He pulled Alexi into his arms, bringing his head to his bare chest.

"I love you, Allu." He repeated quietly into Alexi's ear as he could feel the guitarist crying despite his efforts to hold back tears. "Unconditionally, with all my heart. Don't ever think that you don't mean everything to me." He kissed Alexi's hair and held him closer still, feeling him relax more. "Please don't cry. I can't stand to see you cry." He kept his voice quiet, hoping his band mates weren't listening in on the conversation. Neither of them were known for being very sappy and he knew they wouldn't let him live it down if they heard him. It wasn't very often he said things like this, though he thought them every day he saw Alexi's smiling face.

Alexi sniffled a bit, calming himself to stop the tears from flowing. He had no idea Janne felt that way about him. He was too ashamed of his behavior to say he felt the same way, but he did. He nodded, his lips curling into a tiny smile as he tried to forget the very clear image of his actions the previous night.

"And if you tell anyone I went all romantic on you, just remember you swallowed my cum and I can still hold that against you." Janne said, pointing his finger at Alexi and poking his forehead. Alexi burst into laughter, nearly falling backwards off the couch. Janne was still holding onto him, preventing him from tumbling to the floor.

"I think you owe me one for that." Alexi suggested, still laughing at the sudden change in mood.

"We'll see about that." Janne raised an eyebrow when the bus came to a sudden halt. There was no way they had made it to the airport that quickly, something had to be wrong. As if on cue, Henkka walked in looking slightly frustrated.

"The bus broke down." He said, rubbing his eyes. "It's a 30 minute walk to the airport, but a two hour wait for the bus to be fixed."

"But I'm hungover!" Alexi whined, knowing they were going to have to walk the rest of the way so they wouldn't miss their flight.

"We're all hungover." Henkka groaned, shaking his head. "Janne, put a shirt on. We're walking." He turned to walk away, muttering incoherently as he left.

"I don't have another shirt, they're all dirty or bloody." Janne looked around the room, hoping he had left a clean shirt sitting somewhere.

"Just take one of mine." Alexi said, grabbing a shirt that had been stuffed in the couch and handing it to Janne.

"How long has that been in the couch?"

"I don't know." Alexi inspected the shirt, smelling it. He pulled it away from his face quickly. "Since we got on the bus... it smells like shit."

"Well, you're the one who has to smell it on the plane. I can't smell anything." He pointed to his crooked nose before pulling the shirt on and grabbing Alexi's hand. "Come on, I'm not going to carry you."

\-----

"Finally!" Alexi exclaimed, shoving through the crowd in the airport with Janne close behind him. They had made it just in time to board the plane. Any later and they would've been stuck in the airport for another few hours, not to mention being in a lot of trouble with their manager.

Henkka gently grabbed Janne's shoulder as Alexi was busy fumbling around for his passport. "You're taking on an impossible job." He said quietly.

"Nothing is impossible." Janne stated simply, giving a slight nod as he watched Alexi continue to struggle.

"I hope you know what you're getting into."

"Trust me, I do." He gave Henkka a reassuring smile, reaching into Alexi's back pocket and handing him the passport he couldn't seem to find.

"Shit! That wasn't there a minute ago!" Alexi said, opening it up.

"You'd lose your dick if it wasn't attached to you." Janne muttered, pushing Alexi forward to get on the plane.

"I'm sure you'd be able to find it." Alexi smirked, finding his seat and flopping onto it. He rested his head on Janne's shoulder, humming softly until he finally fell asleep again. Janne struggled to keep his eyes open. He didn't want to go to sleep, but he didn't exactly know why. He hadn't slept at all last night and he was exhausted.

"Go to sleep." Henkka said quietly, looking over at Janne.

"No, it's fine. I'm okay." He lied, shaking his head gently to avoid disturbing Alexi.

"Janne." Henkka's voice was more serious this time. "He's safe now, I promise. You can go to sleep." Janne paused for a moment before nodding. He rested his head on top of Alexi's and soon fell asleep as well.


	5. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexi appreciates everything Janne is doing for him, though he fears he will only screw things up again. He seems to have a habit of making the worst of a good situation.

Janne fumbled with the house key for a moment as he hissed curses under his breath, wishing the bouncy guitarist behind him would stand still for a minute. Finally the lock clicked and the door swung open. Alexi ran in, dropping his bags on the floor and nearly diving onto the couch while Janne shuffled inside, barely dragging his bag through the doorway before slamming the door shut. Alexi had slept the entire plane ride and seemed to be full of energy that Janne couldn't match even if he tried. His sleep was tainted with nightmares so vivid and disturbing that Henkka had to wake him on the plane more than once due to his frantic sleep talking.

He touched his face subconsciously, feeling the hard casing on his nose that had been placed there halfway between the airport and the tiny apartment by a doctor with a thick accent and a complete disregard for how much pain he was causing. Why did he remember that part so well? Why not remember Alexi holding his hand and insisting the pain would stop soon? Why not remember Alexi cursing and insisting that the doctor be more careful? He almost smiled at that, but the muscles in his face refused to comply.

He heard the guitarist move into the kitchen and rummage through the fridge. He could hear him shoving can after can of anything but beer out of his way as he searched. Janne knew he wasn't looking for food.

"There's no beer." He sighed, his voice sounding as tired as his body felt. "I had my parents clear it all out before we got back. There's no alcohol in the house."

"Your parents were here?" Alexi questioned, trying to shut the refrigerator quietly and act completely innocent.

"They're the only other people with a key. Why do you think everything's organized? They had to move everything just to make a path to the kitchen."

"But I'll have a key now too, right?"

"Not a chance. You'll just leave and drink again." Janne shook his head, shoving his hand in his pocket to make sure the spare key was still there. He had planned on giving Alexi a key before all the trouble started. It only made sense that if he was going to live there, he needed to be able to get in and out. Now Janne wanted to keep a tighter hold on him just to be sure.

Alexi grunted and mumbled something under his breath. Janne was too exhausted to question what had been said. He rubbed his eyes, staring at the clock on the DVD player. It seemed too early to go to bed, but jet lag and a complete lack of sleep were taking quite a toll on him. "I'm going to bed." His voice was dull and flat. As he started to walk towards the bedroom, he heard footsteps behind him.

"So, if you're pissed at me, where I am supposed to sleep?" Alexi's voice was much more calm than before. He was obviously hurt by Janne's lack of trust in him and the way he spoke so angrily. "The couch, I guess?"

"No, Allu..." Janne started, realizing how much of an asshole he was when he was tired and frustrated. He opened the bedroom door before turning to face the small guitarist behind him. He had to make it up to him, it wasn't Alexi's fault he was tired. Frustrated, maybe, but it was still no excuse to take it out on him. "Here, I'll show you where you'll sleep."

Janne leaned down a bit, slipping one arm behind Alexi's knees and his other arm around his back. He lifted the guitarist, carrying him like a proud husband carries his bride. Alexi yelped, not expecting his feet to leave the ground as quickly as they did. Janne carried him into the bedroom, kicking clothes and various computer wires out of the way as he went. He then tossed Alexi gently on the bed, jumping on him before he had a chance to react. He gave several quick, small kisses that were enthusiastically returned before he spoke again.

"You'll sleep right here." Another kiss. "Beside me." A kiss returned. "Because I don't ever want to leave your side." Janne's voice was a sharp whisper as the small burst of energy began to fade. He rolled over on his back, allowing Alexi to move freely again. His eyes shut almost instantly, not realizing how exhausted he truly was. He felt Alexi's arm wrap around his chest before he felt the pressure of a head on his shoulder. Finally they were able to sleep in the same bed and hold each other all night. "I love you, Allu." His voice was weak as he started to fall asleep.

"I love you too." Alexi replied, cuddling even closer as they both fell asleep.

\-------

"Janne, wake up!" Alexi's voice sounded so distant it was barely real. Janne assumed it was all part of this twisted dream he was trapped in. He looked down at his arms, sliced open and bleeding into the darkness that surrounded him. Suddenly there was light in the form of a flame that began to engulf his entire body. He could feel his skin burning, melting, sliding from his bones. The heat and pain was unbearable, he was dying and he could feel every second of it.

"Janne!" The voice sounded again, this time closer and louder. "Janne wake up!" He felt his arm lurch and his eyes shot open. He was panting, barely able to breathe as he looked down at his arms. They were clean, no cuts, no blood... it had been another nightmare. He looked over at Alexi, turning his head slowly since his vision was still a bit blurry. The guitarist was fretting over him, holding a cold cloth to his forehead to try to break the fever he seemed to be suffering from. "Fuck, I thought I'd never wake you up." Alexi's voice was filled with worry. "You were having a nightmare and you were burning up. Shit, man, I didn't know what to do."

Janne gave a faint smile, dragging his finger across Alexi's cheek. "It's alright, Allu. It's probably just a fever from the medication they gave me at the doctor. I'll be fine." He placed his hand on top of Alexi's, pushing the cold cloth onto his forehead again.

Alexi smiled, though he was still worried. Janne had slept all day and it wasn't like him to sleep so much after coming home. He ran his free hand over Janne's chest and up his neck before stopping just below his chin. "I feel so bad about your fucking nose." His voice was quiet, unsure if a headache accompanied Janne's fever. He didn't want to make things worse for him.

"Don't feel bad. You were completely wasted, I doubt you even knew what you were doing. I've already forgiven you."

"I can't forgive myself for it." Alexi smoothed his hair back, his head hanging in shame. He felt Janne's head move under the cloth he was still holding. He looked over just in time for their lips to meet as he dropped his arms to his sides in surprise. He didn't deserve forgiveness. He didn't deserve Janne's devotion to him. He didn't deserve any of this and yet here he was, made to feel like the most important person in the world even though he felt like scum. He must have been a saint in his past life, he thought, to have Janne by his side now.

"Allu...?" Janne waved his hand in front of Alexi's face, making him jump out of his own self-loathing thoughts.

"Wha-" He blinked a few times. "Shit, did I space out again?"

"What do you think?" Janne chuckled, sitting up. "Why don't we go watch TV or something? It's always hot in here, won't help my fever."

"Neither will your clothes." His mouth said it before his brain could stop it. Alexi blushed and turned his head slightly, trying to hide the slip up. He couldn't help it, they were in the same bed, completely alone, and they had never really gone further than quick blowjobs before their band mates could find them. For once they were in a situation where they didn't have to fear getting caught. He had to admit he was a bit frustrated, to say the least.

"Maybe later." Janne smirked, a few ideas popping into his head that he'd like to act on. "I'd like to lose this fever first." If it weren't for the fever, he would have been all over Alexi before he had a chance to utter a word. He stood up, adjusting his scrunched shirt and smoothing his tangled hair. Without a word, he headed towards the couch he feared Alexi may have broken when he jumped on it the day before. To his surprise, only the cushions were out of place. The colder air from a more open part of the apartment felt great on his overheated face as he wiped the sweat from his forehead.

Alexi followed close behind, taking his place on the far end of the couch and reaching for the TV remote. Janne sat next to him, but soon kicked his legs up onto the couch and rested his head in Alexi's lap. The guitarist froze for a moment, thumb on the power button but eyes glued to the keyboardist on his lap.

"What?" Janne questioned, smiling.

"Nothing." Alexi said, trying to regain his focus on the TV remote as happiness began to fill his veins with the warmth of a desert summer. It felt wonderful to have the love and support he was being given despite his toxic behavior. He wanted so desperately to live the rest his life with this kind of bliss, but he knew sooner or later he was going to fuck up again. It was only a matter of time. "You're beautiful, that's all." He smiled, flipping through channel after boring channel.

\-----

An hour or so had passed, Alexi assumed. He had been staring at the TV for longer than he really should have without breaking focus and he had a pounding headache to show for it. Janne's fever had broken a while ago and he was now walking around the kitchen preparing something that smelled absolutely delicious but was taking its sweet time to cook. The guitarist pulled himself from the couch, shuffling to the bathroom to search for something to dull the aching feeling in his skull. He opened the drawer where Janne kept any kind of pills he had, though the selection wasn't great. His thin fingers rolled over various bottles and boxes, none of which would do the job. The only thing he could find was prescription pain pills. Janne had whined so much about the pain of his broken nose that the doctor gave him the pills, though he said earlier he wouldn't take them again if they kept giving him fevers.

He rolled the bottle in his hand for a minute as the pills shifted and clacked against each other. Janne would be more than a little pissed if Alexi took some of the pills. They were way too strong for him, not to mention the awful side effects that could occur. His head hurt enough that he didn't seem to care at the moment, though, as he popped the cap off as quietly as he could. He slid the pill into his mouth, then ran some water into his cupped hands to wash it down with. The water was ice cold and he could feel the rather large pill sinking down his throat. What's the worst that could happen, he thought. Maybe a fever, maybe he'd throw it up later? He needed this headache to go away quickly, though, so it couldn't hurt if he only took one.

"Allu! Come here!" Janne called from the kitchen. Alexi swallowed hard to get the pill all the way down. "Come taste this!" Finally the food was done... or at least close to being done. If it was time for a taste test, it was surely time to eat. He tightened the cap back onto the bottle, hesitating for a moment as he held it at the entrance of his pocket. He tapped his finger on the bottle, coming to a decision quicker than he wanted to. He tossed the bottle back into the drawer, closing it and heading for the kitchen as the smell of food caught his nose on the way. He knew the symptoms of withdraw would start soon, he knew he would probably need the pain pills again.

"Did you find something for your headache?" Janne questioned as he slid a small bowl of some sort of sauce towards Alexi. "See if that's too spicy. I think it's too spicy."

"No, I didn't find anything. I'll just deal with it." Alexi lied, dipping his finger into the sauce and licking it off. "It's delicious. Not spicy at all." He dipped his finger in it again, this time licking it off seductively as Janne looked over at him.

"Don't do that!" Janne joked, slapping Alexi's hand out of his mouth. He waited a moment for the spices to kick in, laughing at the face his guitarist was making as he quickly downed a bottle of water to wash the taste away. "I told you it was too spicy."

"Perkele! I think that just burned my tongue!" The guitarist whined. Janne leaned over, kissing him before he could voice another complaint.

"Maybe... but you taste delicious."


	6. When It Rains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexi suffers from alcohol withdraw that makes his life miserable. His only way of dealing with it seems to be turning one addiction into another. He promises to take Janne camping, and promises to stop screwing up his life.

Sitting up in bed, Janne rubbed his aching eyes before checking the time on the clock. He didn't really need to know, it was still dark and this was the fourth night in a row he had been woken up by the sounds of Alexi puking his guts out from the withdraw symptoms. He grabbed a bottle of water he kept by the bed and entered the bathroom, kneeling next to Alexi and pulling his hair back for him. He was shaking a lot more violently than when he had gone to bed, but it was probably from his body being so worn out. He gave another lurch forward, then slumped back onto Janne's side as he panted and tried to catch his breath. His face was sheet white and his eyes stung with tears from the pain.

"It's alright." Janne said quietly, handing Alexi the water bottle and quickly wrapping him into a hug. Alexi took a few sips of the water, his body still shaking and making it hard to hold onto anything.

"Fuck, I'm sorry I woke you up again." Alexi's voice was weak and the pounding in his head still wasn't letting up. This had been the most miserable few weeks of his life and he hoped this would all go away soon... or someone would at least reward him with a beer for his efforts.

"Don't be sorry, Allu. If I had to choose between sleeping and taking care of you, you already know what I'd choose." Janne placed his hand on Alexi's forehead, then quickly pulled it away. "You're burning up. I'll go get some ice." He stood up again, making sure Alexi could at least sit up by himself before heading into the kitchen.

Alexi listened closely to the footsteps. As soon as they were far enough away, he quickly reached over his head to open a drawer and pull out the bottle of pain pills again. He poured a couple into his hand and popped them into his mouth before washing them down with almost half the bottle of water. He had started taking two now, since one didn't seem to help anymore. He thought he might be taking too many due to his increased need for sleep, but that could also be caused by all these sleepless nights of withdraw. He shook the thought out of his head as he sealed the lid back on the bottle. Footsteps came again, much quicker than he was expecting. With no time to put them back, he stashed the bottle in his pocket and slammed the drawer shut.

"What was that?" Janne questioned when he returned, holding a bag of ice to the back of Alexi's neck to cool him off. The ice against his skin felt wonderful, he hadn't noticed how warm he had gotten.

"Hit my head on the damn drawer." He lied, rubbing the back of his head. He hated lying to Janne, but something inside of his throbbing head was telling him this was the safest option. He couldn't hurt him with the truth if he never found out the truth, right?

A few minutes of silence passed as Alexi tried to relax and became tangled in Janne's grip again. This was what rock bottom felt like, he assumed. Cuddling on the floor of the bathroom with a bottle of water and an ice pack. He had to look so pathetic, why would Janne ever choose him over some beautiful groupie girl? Especially after all the shit he had to put up with, like that punch in the face...

"Oh, fuck." He said suddenly, lifting his head up as Janne removed the ice pack. "I promised I'd take you camping tomorrow."

"You don't have to if you don't feel like going."

"No! I promised I would take you camping when you got the cast off your nose. We're going!" Alexi insisted, his eyelids struggling to not cover his eyes as he began to feel the fatigue again.

"We'll see how you feel in the morning." Janne replied to the half-asleep guitarist. He placed the ice pack carefully above his head on the counter to let it melt over night before lifting Alexi off the floor. He was out like a light, which was probably for the best. He needed sleep.

Janne stood up, being careful not to wake Alexi as he carried him back to the bedroom and placed him on top of the blankets on the bed. He looked so peaceful when he wasn't shaking and in pain. He seemed to be getting better every day, so hopefully he wouldn't be tortured for too much longer. It was hard for Janne to deal with, knowing he couldn't do anything to help ease the symptoms. All he could try to do was make him feel more comfortable and hope that things didn't get any worse. No amount of bruises or broken noses seemed to kick this need to protect Alexi at all costs. This had to be love, for lack of a better explanation.

\-------

Janne had woken up before Alexi, just like he always did. This time though, he felt too restless to stay in bed for much longer. After a quick shower, he headed into the kitchen and began to rummage through the cupboards. Perhaps it would be best to wait for Alexi to wake up before making any food, he thought. He might be hungry for once.

Janne's keyboard was already set up by the couch and it seemed like a perfect way to pass the time. He hadn't given the instrument much attention lately, considering all the problems Alexi had been having. He made sure the volume was low enough that the sound wouldn't carry, then he placed his fingers on the keys and began to play whatever came to mind. His concentration fell on the music as he began to lose track of time.

Alexi awoke to very faint sounds of a melody being played nearby. He rubbed his eyes, trying to wake himself up from the drowsy haze the pain pills had left him in. He had to stop taking them soon. They seemed to be leaving him in worse condition than he was already in, if that was even possible. It took away the headaches and calmed his shaking for a while, sure, but he felt like he was stuck in a cloud of smoke the rest of the time.

He pulled on a shirt that looked clean and a hoodie on top of that, shoving his hands in the pockets. He heard a rattling sound from his pocket as he stood up and remembered the bottle of pills stashed there. He'd put them back before they left today, he promised himself, just not right now. He walked slowly towards the sound of the music as it grew slightly louder. Finally he was standing between the hallway and the main room watching Janne play. He leaned against the wall, listening and watching as his quick fingers bounced on the keys in perfect rhythm. The sun was shining into the window, giving Janne's hair a slight glow. It was like some ridiculous symbolic shit, especially since he looked so perfect at the moment.

He had to tell him about the pills, Alexi thought. It was only fair. Lying just seemed like a betrayal. He took a shallow breath that barely prepared him to hear his own voice.

"Janne." The keyboardist looked up as his name was called, fingers never leaving the keys.

"Good morning, Allu."

"Janne I... have to tell you something." Alexi curled his lips a bit as he felt a chill go down his spine. The music didn't stop, which was a nonverbal signal to continue talking. It must not have sounded like this was a serious matter. "I, uh..." His breath caught in his throat. The words refused to form themselves and his vocal chords felt like a clogged drain. He couldn't tell him. He physically could not tell him. "You... you look beautiful. You're perfect." The words seemed to just slip out and he hung his head a bit. It still felt awkward saying things like that no matter how much he thought them. It just didn't feel right coming from his mouth even though it was the truth.

Janne stopped playing for a moment, looking up at the guitarist that was now turning red and trying to hide his face. He shook his head and smiled, playing a few more notes before stopping for good. "You're so sweet." The words made Alexi try to hide his face even more, now resorting to pulling his hood up as far as it would go. He looked up to see Janne's smile. That smile lit up Alexi's whole world... he couldn't help but smile back. His face must have been bright red by now, judging by Janne's laughter.

"What are you laughing at?" Alexi mumbled, crossing his arms.

"You." Janne replied, getting up to shift his attention back to the guitarist. He curved his hands around Alexi's waist, pulling him closer for a kiss. The slight force knocked his hood off, allowing Janne to smooth out the pieces of his hair that had been misplaced due to the hood being on top of them. Alexi nearly moaned at the touch, catching himself as his eyes began to roll back a bit. Being this close did nothing but make him feel like his whole body was on fire. His arms fell from their crossed position and rested at his side. He didn't want to agitate the tension he already felt even though it was hard to resist touching Janne's chest at the moment.

"Do you still wanna go camping?" Alexi asked, trying to concentrate on anything but the blood flowing south in his body. Rain... cold rain. Cold wind. Bugs. Anything to keep him under control. The frustration was really getting to him.

"As long as you think you're up for it." Janne's voice was quiet and deep. He knew exactly what he was doing to Alexi but we was going to continue to play innocent about it. He brought himself even closer, pinning the guitarist to the wall with very little room to squirm.

"I feel fine now." Alexi bit his lip lightly, trying to keep his hands to himself. "Great, actually." His gaze began to drift down Janne's shirt. It was an abstract design, dark color, light accents. His belt was non-existent this morning, leaving his jeans slightly slacked and the button only halfway... wait! His eyes snapped back up to meet Janne's again. This was not helping his cause in the least bit, and he only felt his body heat up more with each minute. He couldn't take it. He grabbed the back of his keyboardists neck and pulled him in for a rough kiss, pressing their bodies together until there was no negative space between them.

After a few moments, Janne suddenly pulled away with a very smug look on his face. He turned and began to walk into the kitchen, leaving Alexi standing there, stunned. His mouth was still slightly open and his breathing rapid. Janne chuckled at his state. "So Allu, breakfast?"

"Uh... I... yeah. Sure. Whatever you want to make." Alexi shook his head, trying to comprehend what just happened. Why did Janne find it so fun to tease him like this? "I'm uh... gonna go get a shower."

\--------

Watching Alexi try to set up a tent by himself was the most entertaining thing Janne had ever seen. The keyboardist was perched on the top of his car, which had been sloppily parked far off the road in a rather large puddle of mud. Alexi insisted on driving this time, if only to take them to some remote part of a small forest with a lake bordering it on almost every edge. Janne assumed it was meant for privacy, though it was entire possible that Alexi had no idea where he was going and decided to just explore until he found a good spot.

"Fuck the tent! We'll sleep on the ground!" Alexi exclaimed, kicking aside the materials and crossing his arms like a frustrated child. Janne simply chuckled, not moving from his spot on the car.

"What if it rains?" He said with a smile. "Are we just going to sleep on wet grass?"

"We'll sleep in the car if it rains!" Alexi replied, still frustrated. "Come on! Let's go find something creepy... or at least more interesting than this."

"If we find a dead body, don't call the cops. They'll think we did it." Janne jumped off the car and splashed into the puddle of mud, causing muddy water to splatter onto his jeans. "Damnit I just washed these." He mumbled, catching up with Alexi as he headed into the maze of trees.

"Well, princess, that's what happens when you're surrounded by dirt. You get dirty." Alexi laughed, lacing his fingers into Jannes as they walked. Janne smiled when he felt Alexis hand in his. "You won't need them later anyways."

"What?" Janne seemed to not understand at first, then it dawned on him. He smirked, shifting his gaze to Alexi. "So is that what you brought me out here for?"

"Maybe."

It seemed like they had been walking around for an hour. After a while, Alexi started carving lines into trees with a pocket knife at random intervals. He was pretty sure he knew the way back to the car, but he didn't really feel like getting lost right now. This forest was a lot bigger than he originally thought. They finally came to the lake as the sun began to make its way down the sky for the night. They stood at the edge of the water for a few minutes before either of them spoke.

"Last one in the water is gay!" Alexi yelled, pulling his clothes off as quickly as he could. He fell to the ground with a soft thud as he got tangled up in his own pants.

"But, Allu... we're..." Janne trailed off, laughing as the guitarist fell on the ground in his haste. He stripped off his own clothes, chasing Alexi into the cold water. His body tensed when he felt the chill, but instantly relaxed when he felt a hand on his back. He turned his head, his wet hair feeling heavy in the water that was now up to his neck. Both of them were stripped down to nothing, neck deep in cold water that barely felt cold to them anymore. Alexi's hand was tracing up Janne's spine, making him shiver at the touch. Small kisses followed the trail, then very light bites that made their way to his neck. Alexi had learned how to be much more gentle now, he feared causing Janne any harm again. "Allu-"

"Shh." Alexi hushed him as his hand moved to trace down Janne's chest. Janne closed his eyes for a moment, then realized the sensation of being touched had disappeared. He opened his eyes again, now facing Alexi. The guitarist smoothed a few stray hairs out of his face before returning his hand to Janne's skin. This time, his hand was grabbed and shoved even further below the water.

"If you're not going to let me talk, at least stop teasing me and get on with it." Janne smirked, then gave a quiet moan of pleasure as Alexi began to stroke him slowly at first, then picked up the pace according to the reaction. Janne's body began to move with the motion, almost causing him to loose his balance in the water, though he didn't seem to notice. Alexi kept his free arm wrapped around his partner as he continued to give small kisses and bites that were met with squeaks and moans. He could feel his own arousal occasionally rubbing against Janne's skin, though it wasn't enough to satisfy the throbbing need to be touched. He gave a quiet growl into Janne's ear, his hand quickening its pace. He knew how much Janne loved to hear those growls, proving it when he felt a strong grip on his shoulder as Janne whined and moaned into his climax. His head slumped down onto Alexi's shoulder for a moment while he caught his breath. They had managed to float a bit closer to solid ground, judging by the water level that only seemed to go halfway up their chests now.

"Out of the water." Alexi said suddenly. Janne looked up at him with a confused look.

"Why?"

"Because it's my turn." The guitarist seemed to take on a playfully commanding tone as he made his way out of the water. Janne followed, his body still feeling wobbly. "There should be a bottle in the pocket of my pants." Without thinking about it, Alexi had just given Janne permission to loot through his pockets. Shit, he thought, he had forgotten to put the pills back.

Janne rooted through the pockets before finding one that had anything in it. There were two bottles, one with a flat top and one that seemed more rounded. He pulled out the one with the rounded top, not bothering to question what the other was, considering the situation. "This one?"

"Yeah, that's it." Alexi's heart almost skipped a beat, but Janne had pulled out the right one. That was close. He flipped the cap open, then looked at back at Janne. "Turn over."

Janne obeyed, though he had to admit this was a little weird. They were by a lake in the middle of nowhere... why couldn't this have happened at home? His thoughts were quickly cleared and refocused when he felt a cold finger enter him, then two. He bit his lip to keep from making a sound, though it was slightly uncomfortable. Alexi entered him slowly, making sure he wasn't causing any pain, though it was hard to avoid. As he found a steady rhythm, Janne's sounds of pain melted into pleasure. Soon those were drown out by Alexi's own grunts and moans as he let his body override his mind and picked up a more rapid pace. He had waited too long for this and the tension had become almost unbearable, this was not going to take very long. His pace quickened even more until he finally gave one last thrust and a low growl of satisfaction before falling onto the ground next to Janne.

"Allu..." Janne's voice was low and very close. Alexi opened his eyes just as their lips met briefly. "I love you."

"I love you too." Alexi responded with a smile. He felt a few drops of cold water hit his skin and assumed it was from Janne's hair. They were both still dripping with water, but this felt a lot colder. He looked up at the sky, realizing the water was coming from the clouds. "Aw, fuck!" He exclaimed as they both jumped up and pulled their clothes on just as quickly as they had originally stripped them off. They gathered everything that had fallen out of their pockets and stuffed them back in before taking off running. The rain was falling hard as they ran as fast as they could back to the car. They must have been walking really slow earlier since it only took them a few minutes of running to get back to the car... or Janne had found a shortcut.

The car doors slammed as they both jumped into the back seat of the car, shivering and laughing. Janne grabbed a blanket from the front seat and wrapped it around Alexi, pulling him into an embrace before they both settled into a comfortable position. They watched the rain drip down the window while the radio droned on with some commercials before returning to music. Alexi started to air guitar to the song as Janne pulled out his phone to check it. He was surprised to have any reception this far out. He opened the text from Henkka that he had missed earlier.

_[How is Alexi doing?]_  
[Still sober. Hasn't been sneaking anything. He's a lot sweeter when he's not wasted all the time.]  
[Good to hear. I'm going to stop by tomorrow.]  
[Sounds good.] 

Janne put the phone on the floor of the car, considering Alexi was now in the way of the pocket he normally kept it in. He dug into the opposite pocket, pulling out the spare key he had been carrying with him. He tapped on Alexi's shoulder to get his attention.

"Here." Janne said, placing the key in Alexi's palm. "You deserve to be trusted."

"Really?" Alexi seemed surprised at first, then a smile spread across his face. He happily dropped the key into his own pocket, running his hand across the bottle of pills quickly. The thought of being trusted made him so happy, but he couldn't help but feel a little sick to his stomach. He'd throw the pills away tomorrow, he promised himself. He'd stop tomorrow.


	7. Fire and Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And as you ripped it all apart, that's when I turned to watch you. And as the light in you went dark, I saw you turn to shadow. If you would salvage some part of you that once knew love, but I'm losing this, and I'm losing you."

The pile of damp clothes from last night were causing a puddle to form on the bedroom carpet. Janne picked them up, shaking his head as he headed towards a small crevice in the hallway where the dryer was stuffed into a space that was far too small for two machines. Alexi promised he would throw his clothes in as soon as he changed, but he had apparently forgotten. Despite the amount of sleep he had gotten in an admittedly uncomfortable position in the car last night, he had been dozing off all day. Janne couldn't walk into the main room without startling Alexi awake and causing him to go on and on about how he wasn't asleep, he just didn't hear him coming. Janne didn't mind, though. It's not like they had anything better to do until Henkka got there anyways.

"Sorry, I was gonna do that..." Alexi grumbled as he walked by, hands stuffed into the front pocket of his hoodie. He shuffled into the bedroom, rummaging through a couple drawers, then bags he hadn't unpacked yet. Janne grabbed a few things from the pockets of Alexi's dirty, soaked camo pants. House key, wallet, a bottle he definitely recognized from last night... then he heard something rattle as it fell to the floor. He bent over to pick it up, inspecting the small bottle for a minute. It looked like a pill bottle, but he knew Alexi didn't bring any pills with him. He turned it in his fingers until the label came into view and he saw his own name staring back at him. The bottle was almost empty, indicating this wasn't a simple mistake of grabbing the wrong thing out of the drawer.

The rattle of the bottle snapped Alexi out of the hazy trance he had been in all morning. His pockets... he had forgotten to empty his pockets. He pulled his hood over his head as far as it would go, trying to sneak his way out of the bedroom and behind Janne. He tried to make his footsteps undetectable, but Janne caught him just before he could make it out of the hallway.

"Alexi." Janne's voice was stern as he stood up again, bottle clutched in his hand. He never used Alexi's name at home and the harsh sound of the x seemed to cut the air like a sharpened sword. He couldn't tell if Janne was mad, upset, disappointed, or a combination of all three.

"I can explain." His response was quick and rehearsed, he had dreaded this moment. He laced his fingers together inside his pocket, clenching his hands to keep from fidgeting or turning away. He looked up slightly, but couldn't look Janne in the eyes this time. The guilt weighed his body down like cement blocks being dropped on his shoulders and the words seemed to slip from the reach of his tongue before he could speak them.

"These are my pills. They were meant for me." The emphasis of the words felt like a leather whip to Alexi as he tried to hunch down and become smaller with every word. There was no escape route this time, he couldn't talk his way out of this but he was sure as hell going to try.

"They helped with the headaches... and they stopped me from shaking. I only took them so I could get through withdraw without being a total asshole to you. I was a lot nicer, wasn't I?" Alexi spat, using his anger as a means to be more convincing.

"Yeah, you were a hell of a lot nicer considering you were practically sedated the entire time!" Janne's voice grew louder as the excuses ran through his mind and tore at his already bruised emotions. "Did you even read what was in these? And how much? You've been sleeping because they fucking knock you out! But you thought lying to me and popping pills was a better solution to drinking, did you?" His voice began to crack as he tried to hide how upset he truly was. Showing any kind of submissive behavior like crying would only encourage Alexi to manipulate him even more. He had to stand up for himself. "Did you consider how much it would hurt me when I did find out? Or worse, how much this could have hurt you?"

"If you loved me, you would understand." The words slipped from Alexi's mouth without a hint of thought behind them. They seemed to float in front of his face, reminding him of what he had just said. He didn't mean it. He didn't mean it at all and yet he had said it. He could see the pain plastered on Janne's face and he wanted to take it all back but his pride held his mouth shut and caused him to simply walk away. His feet led him to the door where he stood for a moment, unsure of why he was tempted to leave rather than make things better. It was as if he wasn't in control of his own actions and was simply a puppet to some sadistic being that gained pleasure from ruining his relationship and his life.

Janne followed him into the main room, stopping just short of the couch so that they were still a good distance from each other. Alexi turned to face him, his pride still holding his jaw in its position to prevent an apology from spilling out.

"Don't you ever think that I don't love you just because I refuse to give in to your manipulative bullshit!" Janne's eyes lit up with an anger he had never felt before, though the pain was still very present. "You broke my nose and I forgave you. Your drinking was out of control and I helped you. I gave up my life to help you, and you have the fucking nerve to say that?" His voice echoed off the walls, making Alexi feel so small he could disappear. "I have always loved you."

"Janne... no, that's not what I meant. I just-" He approached Janne carefully, reaching out to grab his hand before it was snatched away and he was interrupted mid sentence.

"Out."

"What?"

"I can't deal with you right now. Out!" Janne pointed at the door, his hair draped over his face so his expression would remain hidden. Alexi opened his mouth to respond, but thought it best if he just obeyed this time. As much as it pained him to do so, he turned the knob carefully and pushed the door open. He looked back once more to see that Janne had already turned his back, then shut the door as quietly as possible. He heard the lock click before he could even walk away. So that was it... locked out until further notice. Without his car keys. Fuck.

\--------

Alexi had texted Janne a few times, begging to be let back in and promising a proper apology. There was no response. He sat on the hood of his car, tears rolling silently down his cheek. Janne had never snatched his hand away like that... he had never been upset enough to reject physical touch. Such a simple action replaced a thousand words of explanation for how much he had hurt Janne this time and he knew he would have to pay for it emotionally.

The sound of a car snapped Alexi out of his thoughts. He quickly wiped the tears away with his sleeve, trying to hide his display of emotion. Henkka approached him with a concerned look on his face, to which Alexi could only give a half-hearted sneer.

"Where's Janne?"

"He's inside. Locked me out." Alexi said, standing up and gesturing towards the door. Henkka sighed as he cleared some stray hairs from his face.

"Alright, lets go talk to him." The bassist pounded his fist on the door a couple times, causing Alexi to cringe at the sound. "Janne, it's me."

The lock clicked again and the door opened just enough for Henkka to grab it and open it. He walked in with Alexi following closely behind. Janne was on the couch, his forehead resting in his hand and clearly distraught. Alexi sat on the opposite side of the couch, careful to not get too close and risk screwing things up even more. Henkka shook his head at the dilemma and wedged himself between the two, causing Janne to look up and Alexi to finally get a look at Janne's face. It was pale, tear-stained, and he could tell the anger had now drained from him. He looked almost like an empty shell with a distant, soulless stare.

"Okay, so what did Alexi fuck up this time?" Henkka asked, looking back and forth between them as he waited for an answer.

"Who the fuck said it was my fault?"

"You did fuck up!" Janne's voice was still strained and bitter.

"I'm not saying I didn't do anything, I just don't think it should be assumed-"

"Shut up." Janne's voice spat like venom at the argument. Alexi shut his mouth instantly, shrinking down onto the couch. "Alexi was popping pills behind my back." The guitarist tried to shrink down further into the couch, but there seemed to be nowhere to go. Henkka's gaze fell on him with a very stern look.

"Festival season is in a month. You have a month to get your shit together. It's not Janne's job to fix you, and he's done all he can do to help you. There's nothing else he can do for you."

"I know."

"Then get your shit together and stop treating him like a toy." He turned to Janne as his expression softened again. He pulled a couple folded up papers from his pocket and handed them to the keyboardist. "That's the festival schedule. Roope and I already put together a set list but you guys can change it around. I just wanted to drop it off before I forgot about it." He stood up, heading towards the door. "Sorry I can't stay... I promised my parents I would visit them too."

"Thanks for dropping this off." Janne's voice was almost cheerful towards the bassist. "I'll text you tomorrow so we can start planning practice times." He gave a nod, watching as Henkka left.

"Janne, I'm sorry." Alexi looked up, his hands shaking. "I didn't mean to say that... I don't know why I did." There was no response as Janne looked over the festival schedule for a few minutes before setting it on the table. "I was going to tell you about them yesterday but you seemed so happy and I didn't want to ruin your mood! I wanted to stop today!" His voice was almost pleading as he realized what was happening. Janne continued to look at him with that awful, distant stare that made him feel like he was being drowned in a frozen lake. "Please, say something!"

"No." The response was flat and emotionless. The guitarist leaned across the couch, reaching for Janne's arm. The keyboardist stood up and walked into the kitchen, rejecting the contact once again. He pulled two cans of beer from the refrigerator and walked back into the main room, this time standing rather than perching himself back on the couch. "I had been saving these so I could ease you back into drinking, but not overdoing it. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to tell you since you slept all day." He slammed one of the cans on the table and walked away with the other. Alexi could hear the tv in the bedroom and assumed that he was not welcome in there until tonight, if he was even allowed to sleep in the same bed.

He stared at the can of beer for a long time before opening it and taking a drink. How he had missed the taste and the sting of it on his tongue. He was tempted to drink it all in one gulp, but he resisted the urge. Even if Janne was going to give him the cold shoulder, he was going to keep his promise of getting better. He would only have one beer tonight.

\-------

Two days. It had been two days of this treatment. Two days of that distant stare. Two days of sleeping in the same bed with someone he couldn't touch. Two days of one word answers that lacked any hint of emotion. Two days of rejection. Two days felt like eternity.

Alexi had spent most of his time curled up on the couch with his guitar in his lap, playing slow melodies that made the strings sound like they were weeping for him. He always wore headphones that were plugged into a small practice amp while he played, burning every note into his brain as he played them over and over again. Janne wasn't going to be speaking to him anyways and music was the only thing that could drown out the blaring silence in the room.

Janne kept the bedroom door locked during the day. He remained sprawled out on the bed as he watched mindless television shows and tried unsuccessfully to keep himself from crying. If Alexi needed something from the bedroom, he would have to ask three times at the door before Janne would open it, which was just enough time to dry his tears, take on that flat and uncaring tone, and drain all the emotion from his face. He hated to be so cold to Alexi, but he couldn't risk being manipulated any more than he already was. For all he knew, Alexi wasn't even sorry for what he did and was instead putting on an act. He had to somehow find a way to prove how sorry he was.

"Perkele!" Alexi's voice followed a crashing sound from the kitchen. Janne got up slowly, not wanting it to appear as though he had left the bedroom just because of the sound. He looked down at his feet, letting his hair drape over his face as he walked into the kitchen to find Alexi pulling himself off of the floor. He had been trying to stand on the handle of a drawer in order to grab a bowl that was just out of reach in the cabinet. This wasn't the first time he had fallen from trying to reach things. The smell of food made Janne's stomach twist... he hadn't eaten anything these last couple days and the thought of it almost made him sick.

There was a bowl already sitting on the table. It was Janne's favorite bowl, one that looked like it had been hand painted and had a chip in the side from being dropped too many times. He walked over to the table, staring at the bowl and refusing to sit down. It was mac and cheese that looked like it was probably a bit overcooked... Alexi was definitely a better guitarist than a cook.

"I made food since you haven't eaten anything." Janne looked up from the table upon hearing Alexi's voice. He didn't respond, so the guitarist continued talking. "I was going to bring it to you but then I managed to fall on my ass again and now you're here anyways so..." He trailed off, hoping for a response. The silence was deafening.

"Not hungry." Janne's voice was still emotionless as he stared straight forward, his gaze burning into Alexi's chest.

"Janne, please... you haven't eaten in days. You've spent so much time taking care of me, so now it's my turn to take care of you!" The guitarist began to plead, his hand brushing nervously through his hair as he tried to make his point. "Please, just eat something. You don't even have to talk to me if you don't want to. I'll go away... I'll go outside if you want. Just... just please eat." He looked like a desperate mess, pleading and holding back tears just to make it seem like he wasn't as upset as he really was.

Without a sound, Janne picked up the bowl and a spoon from the table. He looked up at Alexi once more before taking his food into the bedroom and locking the door again. Despite how sick he felt, he knew he had to eat something. The noodles were chewy and overcooked, but the fact that Alexi even made an attempt to cook something just because he hadn't eaten meant a lot to him. Still, he couldn't find it in him to accept this as an apology.

About half an hour passed before Janne emerged from the bedroom again with an empty bowl. Alexi was sitting on the couch with his guitar again, but this time it wasn't plugged in. He didn't even look like he was playing at all. Janne assumed it was more for a sense of comfort than anything, considering he would always grab his guitar when he started to feel upset about something. It was part of him, an extension of both his body and mind. It was the only thing that understood him as well as he understood himself. Perhaps at times it felt like his only companion, and the thought that Janne had pushed Alexi to that point only made the keyboardist feel more sick than he had before.

The guitarist caught sight of Janne, his eyes clouded and red from lack of proper sleep. "Janne." His voice was quiet. "Please come here. I wrote something for you."

Janne nodded, taking his place on the opposite end of the couch as Alexi plugged the guitar in and made sure it was properly tuned. He watched Alexi's fingers glide along the strings, emitting melodies that could make the sun go dark on the warmest summer day. It was such a dramatic change from the fire of his normal riffs, the music spelling out a thousand words that his mind couldn't form. It was as if his heart was spilling into the air and leaving somber notes behind as a reminder of how broken it was. Janne curled his lips, trying to resist interrupting just to hold him close and apologize a million times over for being so cold.

Alexi continued for a few minutes, never looking up for a reaction. He was afraid of seeing no reaction at all, but he could feel the tension in the room subsiding. The last note seemed to linger in the air before he shut the amp off and threw the cable aside. He then looked up, seeing emotion in Janne's face for the first time in two days.

"Oh, Allu..." Janne trailed off, his voice shaking.

"I thought since you didn't want to talk... I had to find a different way to apologize. This was all I knew." It took a minute for his pet name to register in his head, he thought he might have imagined it at first. He quickly put his guitar aside, nearly dropping it in his excitement. "Allu? You didn't call me by my proper name?" He wanted nothing more than to jump into a hug, but he wasn't sure if he was allowed. He didn't want to make this whole situation any worse. Before he could ask, though, Janne pulled him into a tight hug, kissing his forehead and the top of his head a few times before speaking.

"I know you're sorry." He whispered, close enough that he didn't need to put any force into his voice. "I forgive you. But please don't lie to me anymore. I don't want you to get hurt. You're my entire world and I don't know what I would do if something happened to you."

Alexi soaked up all the contact, happy that he didn't have to feel so alone. He would've broken down into tears if he had any energy left to do so, but his body was too tired to try. He'd clean up his act today. Right now. From this point on he would put his keyboardist before anything else. He never wanted another night of silence and cold, he just wanted to stay right here forever, in Janne's arms.


	8. Sterling Silver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexi spends a day without Janne and has some time to think about things. Unfortunately, he also has time to over-think and doubt everything.

"I'll be back tomorrow, Allu. You'll be fine." Janne said, trying to hold back laughter as the guitarist kept tugging him back onto the couch like a child. "I really have to go, I told Antti I would be there half an hour ago." He gave Alexi another kiss, hoping to dissuade him from pulling down again, but it seemed to be no use. Janne was strong enough to break the grip, but he playfully fell down once more, this time throwing his body over Alexi's lap and pouting. "You're not going to let me leave, are you?"

"Why can't Antti just come over here?" Alexi whined, pulling his arms over Janne in an attempt to hold him down.

"See? Now he's calling me." Janne chuckled, pulling out a vibrating phone and showing the screen to Alexi. He broke out of the grip to stand up, clutching the phone. "I promise you'll be fine." He leaned over to brush the guitarist's hair out of his face, pushing his finger under Alexi's chin to bring his face up. "Now, give me a smile so I have something beautiful to remember on my way there."

"That was the cheesiest shit I've ever heard you say." Alexi laughed, stealing another kiss before the keyboardist could make his way to the door.

"Yeah, but it made you smile." Janne dialed his brothers number again, putting the phone to his ear. "Bye Allu, I'll see you tomorrow." His voice seemed to linger in the air long after he left, leaving Alexi to sit there and try to absorb it into his mind. What the hell was he supposed to do all day? Everyone was busy, he had already bugged his friends this morning. He was all alone and for once, he didn't feel like picking up his guitar. Something was eating away at him, but he couldn't quite figure out what. It was like a roadblock in his brain, preventing the signals from reaching his limbs to lift him off the couch.

He sat through two boring made-for-TV movies before finally mustering enough energy to get to his feet. He glanced out the window, noticing the sun ducking behind the clouds and a breeze causing the trees to slowly dance in the air. It was beautiful outside and it had been a while since he had walked through the nearby towns. He had nothing else to do and perhaps the summer market stalls scattered around would be selling some good food.

Checking his pocket to make sure he had grabbed his wallet, the guitarist made his way out the door and down the street. The smell of grilled food caught his nose after a long walk and he simply followed the scent until he found the source. He pointed to some type of meat that had been forced onto a stick and nearly blackened on a grill. Without asking what it was, he handed the woman behind the grill some money and took the stick of food with him. He ate it too quickly to really determine what it was, but it was pretty delicious anyways.

The summer always brought out people selling various handmade items and art projects. As much as he hated admitting to it, Alexi loved to look at every tiny necklace and over-sized painting out on display. He surveyed the tables set up around the park, heading towards one with various types on jewelry that seemed to catch his eye. He picked up a couple more metal bracelets to add to his collection, as if he didn't jingle enough when we walked with all of his chains. There were a few larger rings placed next to the bracelets, men's rings by the look of them. He picked one up that was shining silver with a Nordic design engraved into it. He turned it in his fingers for a moment before checking his pocket to see if he had enough money for it. "Janne would love this." He said to himself, counting out his money and handing it to the man before slipping on his new bracelets. He continued to look the ring over, taking in every detail in the design as though he was going to be quizzed on it later. He still had enough money for that... whatever-it-was on a stick and he was still pretty hungry. He dropped the ring into his pocket before perching himself in the grass with another stick of food.

"Janne left you without a babysitter?" Henkka's mocking voice chimed in behind him. It seemed that his plans for the day had fallen through and he found himself wandering in search of his friends.

"I'm an adult, believe it or not." Alexi snapped, giving Henkka a glare as he sat on the grass as well. He smiled when the bassist began to laugh, admitting that he acted like a child more than he should.

"Got bored without him, huh?" Henkka gave a sly smile, making Alexi blush when he realized that he was attached to Janne like a puppy and everyone took notice of it. The guitarist shook his head and chuckled at the thought. Suddenly, his eyes lit up when he remembered the gift he had gotten for his keyboardist.

"Look what I got for Janne!" He exclaimed, digging the ring out of his pocket and holding it in the light for Henkka to see. "He'll love it. He's into little things like this."

"A ring, Alexi?" Oh, that was his serious voice. "Have you even been together that long?"

"It wasn't meant to be like that!" Alexi retorted, closing his hand around the tiny metal object. "I mean... it's not like I don't like the idea. I guess I never really thought about it much." He opened his hand to look at the ring once more. "I guess when you spend the better part of twenty fucking years with someone, you never think about life without them. You just assume they're always gonna be there. It's the same with you guys... I don't know what I'd do without the band."

"But if Janne left?"

"If Janne left? Fuck, I'd be a mess." His eyes clouded over as he thought about it, though his sunglasses prevented anyone from seeing it. "Being away from him for a day is boring as hell. The two days he refused to talk to me were torture. It felt like someone was fucking stabbing me, you know? I don't want to think about how bad it would be if he just... just wasn't there one day." His mouth hung on the last sentence for a while before he closed it, realizing how dumb he must look.

"Maybe you should find out if he feels the same way."

"I know he does. I can just... feel it when he's with me, as fucking stupid as it sounds." There was a pause before Henkka stood up, reaching his arm out to help Alexi up along with him.

"While this is all very sweet and adorably gay, Allu, I'm going to stop you there." He smiled, putting a hand on Alexi's shoulder. "It's all too sappy for me. But if you're this bored, why don't we watch some bad horror movies? It'll take your mind off everything."

The guitarist nodded, slipping the ring back into his pocket. "I walked here though. We'll have to walk all the way back."

"I was smart enough to drive. Thought I'd find you here." They both laughed at Alexi's predictable behavior as they walked to Henkka's car.

\-------

"If you open the door, you're going to get stabbed!" Alexi chuckled, sipping his beer that he honestly had no intention of finishing. The movie was more laughable than scary, but that's how bad horror movies always were.

"And you'll spew red paint!" Henkka added, pointing to the TV screen as a woman was stabbed with an obviously fake weapon and appeared to be drenched in paint. "Where do you even find these movies?"

"A lot of them are Janne's. I found this one at some shady looking video store a few years ago. Nothing in there looked legal."

"Speaking of Janne, when did he say he was coming back?"

"Tomorrow. But I'm sure he'll come home later tonight. He always tells me tomorrow so he can sneak in while I'm asleep and I'll think he came home in the morning, then I'll let him sleep a few extra hours. He thinks I don't know."

"Good call." Henkka said, pointing out the window to a set of headlights flooding the darkness outside. Alexi's face lit up as the lock clicked and the door creaked open.

"Watching shitty horror movies in the dark?" Janne questioned as he looked around the dimly lit room. He flopped down on the couch as Alexi immediately curled up in his arms. The three of them watched a few more movies before fatigue began to set in. Henkka was the first to stand up, yawning and stretching his arms as he saw Alexi and Janne cuddling closer to each other.

"I'll take that as a sign that I should go?" Henkka teased. The two laughed as Alexi wiggled out of Janne's grip and followed Henkka to the door.

"Hey, uh... thanks." Alexi said quietly.

"For what?" Henkka raised an eyebrow at the statement. "For watching movies with you? You're my friend, why wouldn't I?" He thought for a moment, then remembered the conversation they had before returning to the house. Had he helped Alexi realize something?

"I want to talk to you after rehearsal tomorrow." Henkka nodded, unsure of what this was all about.

"See you both at rehearsal tomorrow. Don't let Alexi oversleep this time." He pointed to Janne, who grinned and took out his phone to set an alarm. Alexi locked the door after Henkka left, returning to his spot on the couch. Janne layed on his back this time, pulling Alexi on top of him to steal a few kisses before either of them spoke.

"So what did you do today besides missing me?" Janne's voice was low and quiet as he buried his face in the nape of Alexi's neck, making the guitarists breath catch in his throat.

"Watched some shitty movies. Checked out some of the market stalls at the park. Ran into Henkka. Watched more shitty movies." Alexi listed off the few activities, retaliating with a nip on the neck.

"Did you buy me anything?" Alexi's heart nearly skipped a beat. Yes, he wanted to respond, but he resisted the urge to pull the ring out of his pocket. Something had convinced him to wait.

"I couldn't find anything perfect enough for you." He gave a cheesy grin, causing Janne to roll his eyes and chuckle.

"You're such a bad liar, Allu."

"No, honest! I didn't find anything you'd like." Alexi grinned again, damn his inability to lie to Janne with a straight face. Suddenly he felt fingers creeping up his sides before he yelped and began laughing uncontrollably. Tickling to get the truth out of him? Just how old were they? "Alright!" Alexi exclaimed between laughs. "Alright I got something! But... but it's a surprise! You can't have it yet!" He finally caught his breath as Janne wrapped his arms around his waist.

"Why does it have to be a surprise?"

"Uh... because patience is a virtue? Or some weird English saying like that." Janne sighed and smiled at the guitarist that was still perched on top of him.

"Whatever you say, Allu. We should get some sleep, though." Alexi nodded, hopping off the couch and heading to the bedroom with Janne not far behind.

Once they were both settled in bed, nearly asleep on their own sides, Alexi's mind seemed to kick into overdrive again. He was so sure Janne felt the same way about him... how could he not? Why was he doubting this at all?

"Janne." He said quietly, the name escaping his mouth before he had realized it.

"What's wrong, Allu?"

"What would you do if I left?"

"Why, are you planning on it?"

"No... fuck no. I just... want to know." Janne rolled over to face Alexi, their noses almost touching in the pitch black darkness of the room.

"We'd have to find someone really good at guitar to replace you."

"Janne, I'm being serious." There was a long pause that only fed the doubt in his mind.

"Life would go on. The world would keep spinning... but I wouldn't want to open my eyes to watch another minute pass by without you." Janne brought his hand up to cup Alexi's cheek. "I love you so much, Allu. Please don't ever doubt that. And I'm so proud at how far you've come since we got here."

Alexi inched forward, placing his lips lightly on Janne's and lacing their fingers together. All of his doubts seemed to dissolve in that one moment.

"I love you too. I'm sorry I even thought to doubt that."

"Don't be sorry." Janne's voice was tired as he pulled Alexi close to him, despite how hot the room was. "Just get some sleep. We have to get up in the morning and I know how much you hate mornings."


	9. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexi manages to screw up... again. The silent treatment only seems more cruel when the last thing you want to hear from someone is nothing at all.

Alexi placed his guitar back on its stand, swiping a beer from atop his amp with his now free hand. "That sounded fuckin' awesome!" He exclaimed, rumbling the last word as his famous growl for added effect. The growl caused him to choke up something caught in his throat, spitting it out by his feet before finding a clean looking spot on the floor to lay on.

"Classy, Allu." Janne said as he sat against the wall next to Alexi, who was now entirely sprawled out on the floor, still holding his beer.

"Class is for pussies."

"Yeah, what Roope said." Alexi said, pointing in the direction that the lower voice came from.

"Any reason you're on the floor and not in a chair?" Janne questioned, giving him a nudge with his foot.

"The floor was closer." The guitarist groaned, attempting to take a sip from the can without spilling the contents. Easier said than done, apparently, as most of it dripped down the side of his face. "Fuck." He sat up and wiped the liquid off with his sleeve.

"You missed a spot." The keyboardist was snickering as he used his hand to get some of the beer out of Alexi's hair. "You seem to forget that gravity does affect you."

"Gravity can suck my dick." Alexi chuckled, his skin flaring up in goosebumps when Janne touched him. It was amazing how simple physical touch could still have this effect on him. He wasn't one to admit how he felt... by no stretch of the imagination was he openly emotional, but every time Janne touched him, he wanted to confess his love all over again. Maybe this time it was the adrenaline rush from rehearsal, or perhaps the anxiety from what he was planning to do tomorrow. Oh wait... fuck, he had forgotten to talk to Henkka about that!

"Didn't you want to talk to me, Alexi?" It was like he was a mind reader or something. Or... maybe he just had a better memory.

"Yeah, shit I almost forgot. Let's uh... go outside or something." He pushed himself to his feet, following the tall bassist out the door of the rehearsal room, then another door that led outside of the building. Once outside, he pulled a cigarette from his pocket and lit it, puffing a bit faster than he normally did.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah... no, everything's fine. It's nothing like that." The words seemed to stumble out of his mouth, only temporarily stopped by the cigarette again. He wasn't making sense, he had to calm himself enough to at least be understandable.

"You're nervous." Henkka pointed out, looking concerned. "What are you nervous about?"

"Tomorrow." There went another word, just falling from his lips. He blew the smoke out and stared at it as it disappeared into the air. "I can't do it."

"What do you mean? Why?"

"I'm just gonna fuck up again and I can't..." He stopped himself with another drag of the cigarette as he put his back against the wall and slid to the ground. Henkka crouched down next to him, ripping the cigarette from his hand.

"You're starting to slur." He pointed out, and sure enough the guitarist began to feel the numbing sensation of alcohol. He had forgotten how much resistance he had built up over the years. Being sober had made him a lightweight. The drinking he had done before he got here probably didn't help either.

"Fuck." His pale face fell into his hands, shame oozing from his body like radiation. The bassist put out the cigarette, eliminating any distraction that would keep Alexi from talking.

"How much did you drink?"

"Not that much, really!" The words felt slippery as his mouth tried to catch and form them properly. "See! This is why I can't ask him! I'll just keep going back to all my vices and-"

"Do you love him?"

"What?" He seemed to snap out of his anxiety fueled explanation. "Of course I love him, why the fuck do you think I'd even be considering this if I didn't?"

"Did you mean to get drunk again?"

"No! I just forgot my limits again and-" He couldn't seem to finish a sentence, which seemed more helpful than annoying at this point.

"So tell him. Go in there and tell him. Apologize. He'll be pissed, no doubt. But if he still loves you after he cools off, you'll have your answer without asking."

\-------

Henkka seemed to be dragging Alexi back into the rehearsal room when they finally showed up again. The tiny guitarist was no match for the towering blond, though he dragged his feet and lurched away to no avail. He didn't want to face the inevitable... a very pissed off Janne.

"Allu, what.."

"He's your headache for a while. I'll take him back when you're done." The bassist said, as if handing off a spoiled child to the other parent. He looked up at the rest of the band, motioning for them to follow as he left once more.

"Janne I'm-"

"Drunk." The word seemed to slice the air with its sharpness.

"I was going to say sorry, but that's also true." Alexi gave a half-assed smile that was met with a cold expression. His gaze returned to his shoes as he struggled to find words that weren't excuses. There didn't seem to be any. He wondered if it was the alcohol induced fog he was in, or simply that there were no excuses for his behavior. Both were very possible. "Look, I know you're mad but I just... I forgot my limits. I forgot how little it took."

"It's not your fault." They keyboardist sighed, turning his back. Alexi gave a confused expression as he tried to process what had just been said. "It's mine. I left you alone to drink and didn't watch you."

"What? No... no, Janne it's not your fault, it's mine! I should've known better!" He was stunned by the cold response. Was that the point? Probably, considering the guilt now seemed magnified.

Janne began to walk away, shaking his head and running his fingers through his hair. Alexi tried to trail him, but soon realized what was going on.

"Janne! Janne talk to me!" No response. "Janne please, I didn't mean to!" Nothing. "Janne!" His voice began to crack and he felt his chest tighten. Not the silent treatment. Anything but the silent treatment.

"Come on Allu, lets take you home." Henkka seemed to appear out of nowhere, car keys in hand. The guitarist sighed, hiding his face as he followed. The loud sound of the engine didn't seem to break him from his staring contest with his shoes. Janne's car was already gone, which meant he was either on his way home or on his way to his brother's house to avoid the situation completely.

"Can we take the long way?" His voice was quiet and strained as he fought back tears that stung his eyelids.

"Yeah, we'll take the long way." There was a long pause tainted with quiet sniffling noises. "He loves you. He wouldn't be this hurt if he didn't."

\-----------

Janne's car was parked perfectly next to Alexi's in the driveway. Usually Alexi was the one to drive, but this time Janne had insisted. At least it avoided a very painful car ride, though the one he had just taken wasn't very pleasant either.

The guitarist turned his key in the door, creaking it open and gently shutting it behind him. Janne was on the couch, staring at the TV without looking up. He kicked his shoes off and shoved them into a corner by the door before walking directly through Janne's line of sight. Still no response. He sighed and made his way to the bathroom to wash the sticky tear residue off of his face.

A bottle was sitting next to the sink, prescription label facing the door. The keyboardist had put it there on purpose, an experiment to see if Alexi would be baited into taking the pills again. If he were truly sorry... if he truly had not gone back to his vices, he would leave them alone. Janne quietly made his way into the hallway, pressing his back against the wall to avoid being seen.

Alexi grabbed the bottle of pills, examining it in the light for a few moments before putting it back down. He ran some cold water and splashed it on his face until he couldn't feel the tears anymore. Again he picked up the bottle. Again he placed it on the counter. It was tempting to simply numb himself for a bit, just until Janne started talking to him again, then he would throw them away. His fingers danced across the cap a few times before wrapping around the plastic container. With one quick motion, he threw the bottle into the trash, shaking his head in disappointment at his own thoughts.

Janne heard the sound of the bottle rattling against the sides of the trash can and gave a small smile. Ignoring Alexi wasn't easy, in fact it was just as painful for him as it was for the tiny guitarist, but it seemed to get through to him. He quietly walked into the bedroom to wait, catching Alexi in a kiss as soon as he opened the door.

"Janne-" He was cut off by another kiss, tasting just the slightest hint of his favorite alcohol on the keyboardists breath. He felt himself being lifted and tossed onto the bed, then suddenly tickled relentlessly. He gasped for air between his laughter, finally gaining enough composure to speak. "Stop! Stop it! This is the worst punishment ever!" He took a few deep breaths to steady his breathing.

"I know you're sorry, Allu, and I love you." Janne's voice was soft and very close to his ear, though he couldn't quite make out his full silhouette in the dark. A smile spread across his face just hearing that comforting voice again.

"I love you too." He replied, brushing the hair out of his face and feeling his pocket to assure himself that the ring was still there. "More than you know."


	10. End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexi has the entire situation planned out. The timing, a poor excuse for a speech, and exactly how he's going to ask. Of course, everything goes wrong. (Final chapter)

The day had come and Alexi’s heart was pounding out of his pale, bare chest. His bandmates were excitedly discussing the upcoming performance but his brain was too busy firing off anxiety signals to even realize he wasn’t alone in the room. His eyes were fixated on his reflection in the mirror but they were clouded in thought as he went over every fine detail of his short speech.

“Allu?” There was a hand on his shoulder that he apparently hadn’t noticed for the last few minutes. The guitarist placed his slender fingers on top of the familiar hand.

“Sorry, I was just thinking about something.” His voice faded with every word as he continued to focus on his nerves instead of his lover standing behind him. He could see the concern on Janne’s face in the reflection as he felt fingers running through his long hair.

“Thinking about what? You’ve been doing this for years, don’t tell me you’re just now getting nervous.” The keyboardist joked, ruffling Alexi’s hair up and into his face.

“No... fuck no! I could play guitar in my sleep!” He laughed, shaking his head and smoothing his hair back. “No, it’s... it’s something else. Don’t worry about it.” He gave a small smile and looked back at Janne, hoping this would be enough to reassure him. Skating around a secret this big wasn’t easy.

“If you say so.” Janne mimicked the small smile, giving him a kiss before tossing a shirt in the guitarist’s direction. “Show time in an hour. We’re gonna go watch some of the other bands. If you’re going to stay back here, can you set up my keyboard for me? It just needs the bolts on the stand tightened. Last time the tech did it, the whole thing almost collapsed on stage.”

“Yeah, I’ll make sure it gets done.” He gave a nod and watched the room empty out. He sat still for a few more minutes before putting on the shirt he had been holding and pulling his shoes on. “Bolts on the keyboard... bolts on the keyboard...” He repeated quietly to himself, determined to remember even if he got lost in thought again. He had to shake these nerves, it would affect his playing and probably blow the entire secret. He walked around in a small circle before exiting the room himself and heading for the gear storage area near the stage.

Stage techs and roadies were buzzing around everywhere, carrying amps and instruments for dozens of bands back and forth. The music was much louder out here but it couldn’t seem to pierce his thoughts. “Bolts on the keyboard.” He repeated to himself again, searching for anything that could tighten the bolts. He called out instructions in Finnish to a familiar roadie who quickly ducked behind a large stack of amps before reappearing with a small bag of tools. The tiny guitarist nodded a silent ‘thank you’ and crouched under the keyboard stand beside him. A few bolts were visibly loose, one of them even cracking from improper maintenance. He sighed, shaking his head and starting work on the stand. He paused a few times as his thoughts got the better of his attention. What could he possibly be nervous about? He knew the answer already, he just had to get the question out. What was so hard about a simple question?

The sound of metal clanking onto pavement brought him back to reality as he watched the cracked bolt roll around a couple times before falling into two pieces. “Perkele.” He huffed under his breath. He would have to find another one the same size, or find some really strong tape to hold the joint together until Janne could replace it himself. He got up slowly before hearing another metal object roll across the pavement. This time it kept rolling. He looked up, his eyes growing wide as he shoved his hand into his now empty pocket just to make sure his eyes weren’t fooling him. “The ring!”

By now the small metal object seemed determined to get away from him, rolling quite a distance as he chased it. He dodged some confused roadies that searched the ground trying to figure out what he was chasing. “Fuck! Son of a fucking bitch!” He exclaimed as he barely skidded by another large amp without knocking it over. He could see the ring reflecting sunlight, almost teasing him into chasing it like it was some sort of game. By now he was far away from the equipment area and the ring was daring to slide under the perimeter gates and into the street if he didn’t catch it in time. In a final attempt to catch up to it, he dived and smacked his hand on the ground, feeling the object pressing against his palm as he stopped it in its tracks. He wiped off the dirt it had picked up on its journey and put it safely into a different pocket this time.

Alexi panted for a couple minutes as he sat against the gate, frustrated at himself for almost losing the ring. What had he been doing before this? Looking for tape? Yeah, that sounded about right. But why was he looking for tape? He inspected his clothes first, no rips or tears in his pants that would need a quick fix. His shoes maybe? He moved his foot and noticed that the sole of one of his shoes was falling apart. That had to have been the reason he needed the tape.

\--------

Janne stood in front of him as they waited for their signal to get onto the stage. Alexi’s heart was pounding out of his chest again as he clutched his guitar with sweaty palms. He felt a hand rest on his shoulder from behind, then another on the opposite shoulder, then one on his back. He looked behind him to see the rest of his bandmates smiling and offering silent support as they waited. He then looked up at the stage crew who were all giving a thumbs up and smiling. Everyone was in on this. The band, the stage crew, the roadies... everyone but Janne.

“That’s the signal.” The keyboardist looked back with a smile, gesturing for them to take their places on the stage. Alexi could have sworn his heart actually ripped out of his chest and ran off as he stood before the microphone. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before losing himself in his stage presence.

He had this whole performance planned. Everyone would leave the stage aside from him and Janne. He would give some complicated miniature speech about how life takes you by surprise, and sometimes you accidentally break life’s nose, blah blah sappy stuff. Instead of asking in any traditional way, somehow his speech would wind up ending in ‘Will you take a chance with me?’ It seemed more like him to not ask directly. He had to keep the details out of his mind for now though, lest he sacrifice his abilities thinking about it.

Janne looked up between songs, his hands resting firmly on the sides of the keyboard. Alexi had been acting so strange, he couldn’t seem to figure out what was bothering him. Maybe he just needed some alone time, considering he seemed just fine now. He still seemed a little bit anxious about something, though. He wasn’t running around as much as he normally did. What could possibly be wrong? He shook his head as another song started and his fingers glided across the smooth keys. Whatever it was, a good show would probably put everyone in a better mood. They all seemed to be acting strange lately.

As he continued to play, he noticed the keyboard wobbling a bit. He steadied it for a few seconds before it began to wobble once more. He was sure Alexi had fixed it, so he thought nothing of it. Perhaps it was a makeshift fix and he would have to do more repairs later. The wobbling got more problematic as the song progressed, then suddenly one side of the stand gave way. The keyboardist yelled as his instrument toppled onto the stage with an awful noise before the sound guy cut his amp.

Alexi looked back when he heard the noise, suddenly remembering his original reason for getting the tape. He was going to fix the keyboard stand. Chasing the ring had caused him to completely forget everything he had been doing. There was a screech as his fingers fell down the neck of his guitar and more screeches followed as his bandmates stopped in the middle of the song to see what had happened. The sound guy had to be pulling his hair out as he cut each instrument amp to stop the idling sounds.

A stage tech was already in the process of taping up the stand as Alexi handed his guitar off to another tech and hurried over to Janne. He was kneeling on the stage, inspecting every inch of his keyboard for damage and cursing under his breath. He looked up at the guitarist with a stunned expression. “I thought you fixed it!”

“I was! I was fixing it and then... I got distracted because the ring fell out of my pocket and rolled halfway across the fucking venue and-”

“What ring?” His stunned expression remained. The guitarist blushed, hearing the question echo from the amp that was connected to Janne’s mic. It had picked up the entire conversation. The audience was dead quiet and it seemed like time was suspended. Henkka put his face in his hands; so much for keeping it secret until the end. The silence continued as Alexi struggled to find the words to answer him.

“What ring, Alexi?” Janne repeated, his voice a bit more stern as he began to feel like everyone knew the answer except him. The tiny guitarist had never felt tinier in his life as he looked up at the stage fixtures and sighed, rummaging in his pocket and pulling out the gleaming ring.

“It uh...” He paused for a moment as he tried to figure out if the keyboardist was mad at him or simply stunned by the entire situation. “It’s... it’s for you. I had this whole fucking thing planned and then everything went wrong. I was... going to ask you-”

“Yes.” Janne didn’t seem to miss a beat with the answer. The audience began to whisper to each other which created a buzz in the air. Alexi stood in disbelief, unsure of what he had just heard.

“What?” The keyboardist snatched the ring from him before he could even process what was going on.

“You don’t have to finish the question. My answer is yes, Allu.” He stood up and cupped the guitarist’s face in his hand, kissing him gently. The crowd erupted into a roaring cheer and horribly offbeat clapping. The rest of the band shook their heads, smiling and regaining their composure to continue the show.

“Enough of the sappy shit. The people want music!” Roope slurred into his mic, taking another drink of his beer and laughing at their reactions. The crowd cheered again and put up their horns, waiting for Alexi to pick up his legendary axe once more. Janne secured his keyboard back onto the stand and the amps came on with loud feedback followed by a few moments of re-tuning.

Alexi took center stage once more, staring out into the crowd and raising his guitar above his head. Roaring cheers began again and for the moment, his life felt perfect again.

\---------

**End.**


End file.
